Masaku 7s

I won't pull any punches, I didn't like the experience & I don't think I'll attend another one in the foreseeable future. My social calendar is probably the least marked compared to Nairobi middle class folks anyway so it's not like I can say I have my weekends back. Back to unmarked it is. Masaku7s is part of Kenya Rugby Union's series of tournaments that includes, Dala in Kisumu, Prinsloo in Nakuru, Driftwood in Mombasa and Kabeberi in Nairobi all of which compose different legs of the circuit. Ratchets, beer, more testosterone than in a composite season of 24 and the Sopranos, girls in hot pants selling beer. You can imagine the ones with swollen pudenda! The men's twigs and berries must get ripe and ready, I know mine did;-). As my Marketing lecturer used to say, all advertising and promo is just over glorification of product but folks always post photos of Masaku7s that prove the promos live up to billing. What the French call a certain 'Je Ne Sais Quoi'. So I decided to show up and show out with Nairobi

 Being a Saturday, there was little traffic driving from Nairobi. New middle class car owners and kids with hires looking for death happily along Mombasa road. 1500 cc Wingroads overtaking my 1800cc fielder. Traffic jam build up stated from Machakos turn off (Makutano) moving to Machakos county office, the entire road was a parking lot. Toyotas and Subaru with blaring music, a drunk girl dancing on top of a Nissan xtrail and one jeep wrangler (upper middle class?) passed by that got cheers

.

I needed food to make my life right because we had spend probably half a day driving 15 kms. We parked by the road and decided to take in the sights and look for a place to eat. My first visit to Macha'. Notable landmarks I saw include Naivas butchery, All souls cathedral, Mulu Mutisya h/way and Tea Tots hotel where we went in. After lunch (that pilau didn't stand a chance!!) and a few bottles of summit lager we got back on the road and finally got to the stadium. Got more beers and sat to watch the games. I can only remember Oslo because it was a predominantly and the only white team and their white water girls wore hot pants too. I have to admit the crowd was great. Big crowd means big noise. There is safety in numbers so it is fun

The after party was at the golf course (Oh Yeah, another landmark). Details are fuzzy but I do recall a female singing on stage, stopping a fight and necking with a stranger. Either I had been put to sleep  or my drunken person's auto pilot facility was improving with experience because I woke up in the car which was parked some 600 meters away.

typically middle class chap from Langata

The next time I woke up at around 3 I think and we were stuck in traffic. I woke up again at 8 and we hadn't moved. We arrived in Nairobi at around 12 after traffic finally eased. Good experience but this is definitely not my shindig. Next week, back to Lumte the local

What's on my reading list:

Good news Bible

Quote of the week;

"Don't bring intellect to the bar. That's a place for drug abuse and high libido"- My friend, Cain

a dozen drinks

Mayo clinic defines alcoholism as a chronic and often progressive disease that includes problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems, having to drink more to get the same effect (physical dependence), or having withdrawal symptoms when you rapidly decrease or stop drinking.
 Mayo also describes binge drinking as a pattern of drinking where a male consumes five or more drinks in a row, or a female downs at least four drinks in a row — can lead to the same health risks and social problems associated with alcoholism. I couldn't find anything about using alcohol as a crutch. For a significant part of his life, my friend had been an alcoholic. He was one of those alcoholics who thought he was  a person of different sobriety and not the former and as long as he maintained sobriety of conduct  ("as long as situpi mbao", he would say) it was fine.


I had long ago concluded that he believed life revolved around football  and alcohol and that - especially under the influence of too much of the latter- sometimes it just revolved so I never tried matching him drinks for drinks. You don't need Mayo clinic to know that was an alcoholic or at least on the path to being one. He eventually saw the folly in denial and got into a cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT)  program three months ago. He came home today.  My other friend who is a chain smoker (this one likes his 'fwaka' like a problem) and womanizer asked him about the program and if he can recommend it. "Hiyo yako si addiction hiyo ni character defect"

So I decided to delete my bookmark to beer advocate.com and tapper off my drinking by substituting my beer with another narcotic called television and for the last one week I've been sitting comatose in front of the TV mindlessly consuming episodes of Hannibal (that chap can throw down in the kitchen though!!). On the upside, the lethargy from that is better off than from over imbibing. Whatever spurt of annoyance or stress or boredom that always leads me straight to the chilled glass pint of tusker, it turns to pixie dust (my mathee made sure my siblings and I read those castle story books of  Rumpelstilskin and snow white) and blows away the second I sip my froth. This is an upside to my tusker. The scales don't seem to tilt much for television so far

I bet my spot at the local watering hole, Lumte Bar Nyaru has been taken by now.

What's on my book shelf
Peter Taylor's Smoke ring: Tobacco and multinational politics (borrowed it from my smoker friend actually)

What's on my playlist:
They don't love you no more- Khaleed ft. Jay Z, Meek Mill and French Montana

Dumbest thing I've heard today:
"That explains why you drink a lot of tea, it's everywhere so you're trying to get rid of it" (When my cousin visited Kericho and saw the plantations)

I don't even have a title for this one

Let me skip the beginnings and get right to it. No build up, hardly any plot, no character development. Sort of the way some men like sex? (That’s unfair). I saw her again today

She looks amazing. She looks like dirty martinis, cocktail dresses and not paying for dinner. She’s a lot of woman. She’s impossibly beautiful. In the words of Liz Lemon in 30 Rock, “I want to go to there. I want to go to there a lot”. She turns my sukuma wiki green. She is the sort of lass you meet when you are not ready. She is the woman you meet and you wish you had ‘drunk your lunch’ earlier. You have to be good and drunk first because you always feel like you need some courage when you’re around her. This is where you say something funny and you can swear her nose wiggles when she laughs. I gash.

Fat load of good this will do if you can’t tell her. I want to chum with you. I know there are rules somewhere so I’ll slow down, I don’t want to wake up and realize I missed my period.

Typing, sitting by my phone offering my first born to the monastery if only you would call or text me “One time offer, God. Act now” ………….Then the phone vibrates ‘Hey. My sister gave me your phone #. Are you around?’ *Riley’s celebratory booty dance* Sorry, unborn Monk firstborn. I hope you won’t give me hell for this (no pun intended). She says, “Tell me about yourself” - Of course all of this is in my head, you know. I’m beginning to think I’m nuts now. An absolute nutter. Well, I'm also bananas for her so mocanut (mixture of nuts and bananas) is the word for it.  Don’t say it. Suspend judgement and plant your tongue in cheek

So I answer “Well, I use half the bed when I’m sleeping. I don’t mind a pink table cloth for my wedding if you ask (so much for slowing down) but it may take you a few packets of salt and vinegar crackles to sell me on a pink tie. I’m about that potato chips life. I tear off labels from bottles. Still have that habit. I listen to a lot of Jay Z, the Beatles and UB40.

Me plus heights equals the need for adult nappies, therapy and a beer. I've been arrested once, I’d preferred you get me off rather than a lawyer (pun intended). I can’t cook for shit save for noodles. I could eat ice cream until I lapse into a diabetic coma. But that would be dramatic given that I'm not even diabetic. I penda vanilla and chocolate. I drink a lot of tea. In the words of my cousin ‘I am tripping with this tea’. My shoe size is eight, my natural hair color is black. I used to penda my tusker but I’m not about that life any more. Still enjoy a cold froth though.” 

Or I could just get off the computer and tell you this in person *sigh

MY BEER no longer intanden with my social factors

I have a crisis of beer brand loyalty (and yet there are so many real problems in Kenya *shaking my head). By loyalty I mean years of irrigating my throat with the jewel of Ruaraka waters, tusker lager (it’s more like my jewel though) and a few days of trying out other ales, stouts and lagers and by crisis I mean I want to quit ‘swallowing’ tusker. Uh-huh, you’ve read that right no moss , I’m quitting tusker! *sound of EABL stock price going down the shitter affected shitter. Here’s my problem with this crisp and refreshing beer and the only problem, BREATH!  What my brother from another not mother or fathee calls ‘breathing mafire’ .

 

 

 

 

You see back in the day when we were still ‘seeing’ books (two years ago*cough *cough) undergoing that torture that passes itself off as University education or higher learning, myself, supergitts, Toxikmusesi, kemboi, DannKariuki et al used to imbibe 'mishufa' (that name betrays it all *Kalonzo Musyoka voice*) like we had cancer and the cure was at the bottom of the bottle. Here's the thing though, our university had banned 'kanywis/tulevis' on school grounds

Sisi tulijua Mututho laws long before Mututho laws if I can put it that way. Yeah, I can almost read your mind. How did five sons of Ruaraka survive to graduate from that convalescent home, I mean University with legitimate first class honors from their respective programs and not get expelled, you ask? Here is how, Gitts never made it to the gate. Somewhere between 'Kampi Ya Moto' our local pub and the school gate, he'd always pass out in a trench or ditch and crash. I'm surprised that he was never mauled by a stray animal all those nights.
 
Kemboi would start talking to furniture and then get his phone to call 'Destinies' (inside joke) after some three pints so we'd prevent him from more drinking and get him onions and P.K. so he could stop 'breathing mafire'. Dann, as Kemboi swears is always lucky because he is a lefty so there was no way he was ever going to get caught. Moses was often the last man standing. He'd handle his froth , no staggering and walk straight through the gate. The watchmen never bothered to inspect him. You wouldn't either if you'd see the chap's physique. Sisemi yangu. Blogger reserves the right not to put himself on blast. This happened most Wednesdays and every weekend for 4 years. I miss you fellas. Remember guys how no one wanted to fika KYM late because you'd have to catch up? good times. It was a slice!

Four years later I am still battling with 'breathing mafire'. Kwanza vile tusker can fumigate a room that even has air conditioning. This really limits my 'quick ones' especially during the day around people and at night around my landlady (Yes, I live with my mom, don't judge). So, goodbye my beloved foamy froth!



What's on my playlist:
Les Nubians

What's on my menu:
Summit Lager- Tabitha Karanja calls it liquid bread. Any excuse to 'swallow' even at breakfast I guess
White Cap at -459.67 Fahrenheit
Soup ya mbuzi

'Food for thought'

ADAM:	What’s wrong with macaroons?
KAREN:	I can answer that so easily. Generally, macaroons have coconut in them, and are repulsive. So they are NOT to be trusted.
ADAM:	It’s not their fault, they’re made that way.
KAREN:	You could say that about anybody.
ADAM:	You can’t distrust—
KAREN:	You can say about anybody that who they become, that they’re a product of their experiences and environment, but that’s still who they are.
ADAM:	That’s not a product of their experiences and environment, that’s their ingredients. That’s their DNA.
KAREN:	Exactly, the same as people!
ADAM:	No, it’s not the same as people at all. It’s not fair to say you can’t trust them ‘cause of who they are, or what they are.
KAREN:	I’m just saying, that doesn’t change that you can’t trust them. Perhaps you can say, it’s not their fault that they were made that way, they didn’t choose to be made that way, but that’s still how they are.
ADAM:	Well, you know, I tend to agree that I find macaroons disgusting. But I wouldn’t say they’re distrustful. I just don’t want to hang out with them.
KAREN:	Do you know what? They are, because they look like they’ll be nice, but then you eat them and they’re disgusting. They’re dishonest.
ADAM:	It’s not their fault. They don’t realize they are being dishonest. They just see themselves as quite an attractive, cakey biscuit. You need to give ‘em a break. You need to give macaroons a break. I’m not saying you should try them and like them. I’m just saying, you know what, leave them alone. They’ve got their own little corner of the bakery, no one’s bothering them, there are people who love them AND trust them. I think you just need to give ‘em a break.
KAREN:	Sleep Talkin’ Man obviously understands what I’m talking about.
ADAM:	Well, it may be because of the Republic of Bagel, that they’re, you know, the macaroons are starting to get a bit uppity and want their own independence. And that’s just gonna cause complete chaos.
KAREN:	Oh, they can HAVE their independence.

Election 2013, Kim Kardashian Swimsuit, buy potent cheap Viagra, easy weightloss ways

The edit of the title is my (doomed) attempt to harvest more clicks from the wilds of the internet through the art called Search Engine Optimisation. Hope you'll get past that

It is often said that anybody who expresses an interest in running for office should automatically be disqualified from running for office, as the kind of person who wants to be in charge of everything should never, in any circumstances, be given access to the levers of power. The past recent months has witnessed banay-nay campaigns by the two horses top presidential contenders.

Now, I've got to be very careful about what I say here, as a few of the people who will read this in these circumstances could be most charitably described as "fanatics", while others are - at best - stark raving bonkers, and would write twenty page letters to blogspot (subsequently may be published in full) over the choice of what I write here.

We are all politicians (according to Socrates, is it?). We consume it like pizza ( or whatever snack eating proclivity you are in to), we debate, we tweet, we blog and then some. In this coming election, there are those who wanted to be in charge; those who had taken a good look at the people who want to be in charge, and ran very far away- Miguna ? Tony Gachoka ? though Tony just ran to a different camp; and those who watch from the sidelines because they are undecided
Some, like Boniface Mwangi, dunno what skunk that fella smokes on to give him an Italian mobster's cojones, talk of wishing the politicians some sort of terrible physical harm such as a hangnail or a bad haircut.

Same as Rachael Shebesh who said, "My DNA is TNA", my DNA is TNA and I have a (quite possibly framed) certificate to prove it.
 Despite my obvious political "allegiance", the stark truth is I probably never would have had the chance to write this if it weren’t for Raila Odinga and others—the gumption, and guts behind the reform agenda. Heck, the man was jailed for agitating for the aforementioned. In Moi's time I don't think folks like Ole Itumbi (& myself, no?) could write about politics on a blog. Thank you, chief for your contribution. As concerns CORD's manifesto? I can rest easy, he is NOT taking us the communist way.

 "Democracy is the worst form of government but we are yet to find a better one" or " The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter". by Winston Churchill.<<< so what's the solution, Mr Smarty pants, Churchill? ? The only way that this situation can be remedied  then is by appointing our leaders by lottery?? (although this gives us an unacceptable one-in-forty-million chance that I will end up as President), in which anybody who expresses desire for high profile appointments should prove their ambition through grooming my fur

Vote Wisely.

*insert disclaimer here*<< Just in case

A little bit of Inspiration

As I get older, I've learned to really appreciate people who are smart, opinionated, and creative — yet still have the plasticity of mind to synthesize new ideas and be okay with sometimes failing. Sean Carter is one of those folks. First it was Glastonbury and now Barclays Center